Great Grandfather
by Amiiix3
Summary: Edward discovers some unwanted documents. A parody of SMeyer's writing style


"Bella?" Edward's sweet voice carried up the stairs

Bella turned away from the grand window and the gorgeous view of an undisturbed lake to face him. Her husband stood perfectly still, gazing at her lovingly, the godlike creature she had captured with her blessedly natural blandness.

"Edward, dear, what is it?" She loved the trill of her words, the perfect chime of every syllable on her beautiful tongue.

His topaz eyes were glimmering as they took in her form, but he broke from his thoughts and the liquid topaz hardened. He moved forward quickly, a blur to human eyes— though there were none about— and placed his firm hands on her shoulders

"You may want to sit for this, Bella, my love."

She immediately felt herself falling into the pools of topaz. She loved the grave lines that tugged at his brow, the little frown etched between his cheeks. She leaned forward, inhaling the sweet scent of fresh flowers.

"Edward...," she mumbled.

"Bella!" He was suddenly angry. His words lashed at her and the arousal disappeared. "This is not the time. Be serious for once, please, my sweet."

"I'm sorry, Edward," she whispered, chagrined. She had always been the most easily aroused female. She wondered now how it had been possible for her not to throw herself at boys as a human. Ever since the change, she and Edward had spent most of their days locked in their room, forgetting they had a child, a family, and others in the house with them.

He steered her towards the bed, paused, seemed to think better of it, and forced her into an armchair by the Victorian-style fireplace.

"Bella," he began, his face a mask of solemnity. Bella stop breathing, unable to think of what horrible revelation could mar her happy ending…

Edward slipped an alabaster hand into his jacket and retrieved a pair of old, crinkled documents, yellowed around the edges. "Bella, you may not want to hear this, but—"

Her fear and anger got the best of her. "STOP!" she cried, standing suddenly, her large, Victorian-era hoopskirt ruffling angrily as she stood. She held her hands up, her face twisted with agony. "Stop!"

"What is it, Bella, my dear?"

A sob rose in her throat and shook her tiny frame before she could stop it. "I don't want anything— _anything_— to ruin my happy ending! Keep it to yourself!"

"Bella, dear, something can only ruin your 'happy ending' if you let it," Edward said softly, stroking her leg through the thick frills of her gown. (She had a fancy for old-fashioned gowns and enjoyed pretending to be a Victorian mistress in her free time).

Bella's sobs quieted. "You're right, Edward," she agreed, nodding. "I won't allow anything to bother me. If you feel this news is necessary for me to hear, then say it, my dear."

Edward gave her his crooked smile, though his eyes remained tight, and lifted the papers for her to see. The scrawl was tight, the antique inked words smudged with age. "What it says," he began before she could ask, "is that one "Jonathan Edward Masen was married to one Mary Elizabeth Swan. The date is smudged, but it was some 200 years prior."

"A Masen… married a… Swan?" Bella asked quietly.

Edward nodded.

"What does— what does that mean?"

He frowned. "It means they were married."

"Yes, but… why should I care?" she finished bluntly.

"A Masen was married to a Swan, Bella-love. Understand, my dear, that means we are— as much as it disgusts me— related." He took her hand; it shook in his.

"We're _related_?"

Edward sighed, exasperated by her snail-like pace of understanding. "Yes, love. Some of my blood runs through your veins."

"Why, Edward, that's wonderful!" Bella's face broke out into a wide smile. She squeezed his hands lovingly, leaning in for a congratulatory kiss.

He pulled away, the lines in his brow deepening. "Bella, love, do you not understand? I know, in our case of course— not having blood and all— it should not matter, but this is… incest."

Her mouth fell open, a sharp gasp wrenched from her. "_Incest_?!"

"As I said before, love, it should not matter—"

"You mean, you could be my grandfather!"

"I'm too old for that, dear."

"You could be my _great_ grandfather!"

"I'd say I'm too old for that, as well. In any case, I've only had one child and that was with you—"

"You could be my _great great_ grandfather once removed!"

"More plausible, yes, but—"

Bella let out a deranged shriek, throwing her hands in the air. "No wonder our child is a mutant!" And she stormed from the room in a flurry of lace and frills, slamming the door behind her

* * *

**R E V I E W !**


End file.
